Month: September 2014

#1: Pick as your sexual partner someone who drives you crazy–in good and bad ways. Is there a person who really gets under your skin? A person to whom you feel powerfully sexually attracted–and yet completely infuriated by? Maybe he’s the cocky banker who went to college with a friend’s husband. Maybe he’s the hot idiot guy who works in the marketing department, who always seems to want to get into some inane conversation with you over the water cooler. Maybe he’s a crazy conservative and you’re a wacky liberal, or vice versa. If he’s kind of annoying–BUT you have sexual fantasies about him nonetheless–that person would be a good candidate for a casual-sex partner. He himself will be a constant reminder about why the relationship could never work out. The minute he opens his mouth, the reason will be clear.

#2: Make it clear to the other person–and yourself–up front that what you’re having is a tryst. How to do this? Don’t go out for dinner with the person, or for drinks. Do away with all the trappings of a romantic relationship. Give your sexual partner a small window of time during which you will be available–say, during your lunch break, or late-night on Friday–and use that time for sex, and sex only. Don’t sleep over, and don’t let him sleep over either.

#3: Repeat to yourself before, after and during sex: This is not about love, nor will it ever be. Remind yourself that all the pleasure and happiness you are feeling is a CHEMICAL response. You are not special to the person who are shagging, and he is not special to you. The two of you do not have some huge personal connection. What you’re doing is not related to “happily ever after.” (It may not even last a full three months.) It’s simply about sex, purely a physical release, and there’s no real future in it.

#4: Try to make it as hot and wild–even kinky–as possible. If you’re tied to the headboard, or he’s wearing a dog collar, the act itself will be a reminder that what you’re doing isn’t “making love” but having crazy sex.

#5: Don’t put up with any crap. Just because you’re only having casual sex, that doesn’t mean the dude can treat you badly. He should arrive when he says he’s going to; he should respond promptly to your communications; he should be working to hold on to the awesome gig you’ve given him, as your part-time temporary lover. In fact, feel free to make certain demands of him. Perhaps what you want is for him to bring over Thai take-out every time he visits; maybe it’s lattes; possibly you want him to rip you a copy of whatever new album he has recently downloaded. Whatever the case may be, remember: He is SOO lucky that he gets to have no-strings-attached sex with you.

#6. Remember that the true goal is to have an intense personal connection with someone–and to let the great sex follow from that. But if you haven’t found the right person yet, why not enjoy sex while you keep looking?”

A “Friends with Benefits” (FWB) relationship is meant to be temporary, which is why plenty of people have them. If you’re relocating soon, just ended a serious relationship or are very focused on your career, it can be ideal till you’re ready for the real thing. “Most people do this because they want to have sex, but aren’t interested in, or not in a position to, have a more committed relationship,” explains Charlie Glickman, Ph.D., education program manager at the erotic emporium Good Vibrations. “When you’re not dating anyone, sex with a good friend can be a great way to let off steam and have fun.” But here’s the caveat: Don’t start a FWB relationship with someone you secretly want to date. “When women settle for a FWB rather than create the long-term relationship they really want, it’s ultimately unsatisfying,” Glickman says.